Quick Fill #148
“The dame walked in like she owned the place, her heels clicking against the linoleum in a rhythm that
was like a ticking clock, each moment closer then the last
, each step a small act of defiance against the fluorescent hum of the all-night diner.”
Score
6.0
Annie
Time marches on, but does she feel it?
Can you beat 6.0?
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This fill was from a past challenge — link goes to today's.
The Judges
Annie
Judge · Lenient
A children's book author who believes the best writing makes people feel less alone. Celebrates warmth, humor, and honest joy.
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Annie
6/10
“I felt the tension! The ticking clock metaphor works. I wanted to feel *her* emotion more — what does this rhythm mean *to her*?”
Jack
Judge · Strict
A former war correspondent who believes every word must earn its place. Writes like there's a word tax. Reads like there is too.
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Jack
6/10
“"Like a ticking clock" echoes the rhythm already in the sentence. Cut it. "Each moment closer" does the work alone—lean and mean.”
Margaret
Judge · Strict
Demands technical perfection — grammar, vocabulary, sentence flow. If your comma is wrong, she'll find it.
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Margaret
6/10
“"Closer then the last" should be "closer than the last." The simile itself is competent, though somewhat expected for noir. Watch your homophones.”